Beyond my Understanding

Ever been on a date then get dumped right after and wonder to yourself, “Why God?” The date seemed to go well from your perspective, but you only get some vague explanation from your date like, “I just didn’t see us going anywhere” or even worse than that, no explanation at all.

Back in March 2022, I went on a date just like this. And the guy I had thought was Heaven sent gave me no clarity in his reasoning to not pursue a relationship. But that’s okay, because nine months later, God did.

First Date

Through Facebook, I met a man unlike any man I’d dated before. He was successfully established in life with a house of his own, a job he was passionate about, he was a loving and involved dad to his three-year-old daughter. But best of all, he was insanely in love with God. Through this man, I thought God was offering an opportunity of security and holy establishment that I had never had before.

The entire night on our first date went dreamily well. We ate and talked, but something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it.

Date Night

Then comes the time at the end of the night where we’re getting close, he’s holding me in his arms, and I know it’s time to kiss.

And I have a panic attack.

I can’t look him in the eye. I squirm in fear wanting to get away from him. I can’t breathe.

There was no explanation for what happened in that moment. I had been on dates before and kissed men on the first date without hesitation. This was different. Weirdest of all, he had done nothing wrong to conjure up these feelings in me. I remember just being very aware that there was a bed in the house and that I wanted to do everything in my power not to end up there.

I thought it was my abusive past resurfacing and causing the fear. For months after the first date, I felt a painful regret that I had let the past interfere with my potential future. For it was the panic attack during the first date that disabled me from having any future dates with this man.

But it turns out, it wasn’t my fear of the past that caused the panic attack. It was God’s wisdom acting as intuition in the present.

The First Nightmare

My response to the romantic rejection was to do what I do with every situation in life: I searched for God’s purpose in it. Why did I go on that date for You, God? Why did that panic attack happen? In the end, I knew that there was no logical reason behind the panic attack; it must have been divine intervention. God acted in that moment for a reason I did not understand yet.

Fast forward through the heartache of regret and mourning what could have been between me and this guy. We stopped talking for seven months. God worked in and through me, He healed my scars from my dad when I was a girl, and He broke the chains tethering me to my abusive past. I had officially given my life to Christ in my heart and was preparing to get baptized. On the list of guests I wanted to invite, I added my date’s name. His faith was always sound to me, and I thought it would be a great way to open the door to friendship. I wrote him a letter detailing how God had moved in my heart and life in the months he had been gone. And after sealing the letter, I prayed over it. I asked God, “Show me what you want me to do with him. What is Your will, Father?” And I laid down to take a quick thirty-minute nap because God speaks to me through my dreams. What God revealed to me would be the cusp of the explanation I had been waiting for for nine months.

In the dream, I was in the driver’s seat of my old blue Taurus, and in the seat directly behind me was my date. But in the rearview mirror, he wasn’t himself, he was my ex-husband who is seen in my life as one word: “villain”. When I turned around to look at my date in person, he was himself. But when I looked back in the rearview mirror, he was my ex-husband, again a villain.

I didn’t understand the dream because I had never seen this guy be villainous. I had never seen his behavior contradict his faith. He had never physically hurt me. He wasn’t like my ex-husband at all. So, why was God showing me this? Because God knew what I didn’t. He knew my date’s nature.

Demonic Nightmare

Before my baptism, I hadn’t received any messages from my date, but I had a divine feeling he was going to be there in person. And it weighed heavily on my mind how I should react to him after the dream in which God spoke to me.

One night before my baptism, God spoke to me again. I was in an abandoned building when three carpeted stairs appeared leading up into a kitchen. I ascended them curiously because the room was out of place. When I got to the top, I saw my date in a red apron whisking something in a silver mixing bowl. He welcomed me, saying, “Hi, Danny. How are you?” I panicked in the dream, saying, “No, no, no, no” as I tried to escape. But I couldn’t. The entrance was blocked off. I was trapped there with him, and I was awfully afraid of him.

I carefully maneuvered around the kitchen island to be behind him. He had his back to me while he worked with the food on the countertop. I watched him, waiting for the attack, sensing it was coming. And then a demon a head taller than him lifted its head and stepped out of my date’s body. The demon turned to face me. It was naked, all white, and it had facial features that were blurred as if in the background of a photo. Because it was the scar across his face that mattered most. A faint red scar stretching from his right eye down below his nose and across his lips. And he turned to me with every intent to destroy me.

Rendition of the scar-faced demon drawn by my 9-year-old son, Cristiano

Demons like this are not a foreign manifestation to me. There’s a reason I write spiritual warfare. I naturally raised my hand and rebuked the demon in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It kept him at bay, and he got agitated enough to attack. But then, I heard something across the kitchen and realized my children were present and fighting another demon. This one a clown dressed in black and white wearing a gnarly grin, black diamonds drawn over his inhuman eyes. He was more terrifying than what I was fighting. And that clown demon took a swipe at my seven-year-old daughter. She dodged it in the name of God and fought back. Then he took a swipe at my nine-year-old son. He dodged it, and with his sister, they trapped the clown demon with scripture they’d memorized.

I woke up in war mode, ready to fight.

But with no understanding.

Yet.

The Email That Changed Everything

Come Sunday, December 4th, I got baptized. And my date showed up to it. In my eyes, we were on our way to becoming friends. But I never forgot the dreams. I knew I didn’t understand them. I still regretted that moment in the kitchen as my biggest failure in life.

Until December 7th when God changed everything. Led by Spirit without full understanding as to why she did it, my date’s ex-girlfriend reached out to me through my email offered on my website. She explained when she had dated the guy, how they had broken up, and that she had seen pictures of me on his Facebook and had reached out guided by divinity.

It turns out that through her, God would explain everything.

The dates when she dated this guy matched perfectly when our date happened. Her and I had been contingencies for one another. And he had started dating her almost immediately after dumping me after our first date.

Not only that, but he lied to her regarding his personal principles that my memories countered.

As a new woman coming into the faith, he risked destroying her walk with God by leading her further into sin through premarital sex. Not only that, but he chose sex over his now four-year-old daughter in ways I never thought he would have.

I know what you’re thinking: this is just one woman’s experience with this guy and there’s no proof anything she’s saying is true.

Except…God. Remember the dreams? God revealed the nature of this guy before this woman did. God revealed that this guy was my ex-husband (a cheater and liar).

In that email sent by his ex-girlfriend, everything made sense.

God saved me and my children from a wolf in sheep’s clothing. From a man of God who did not practice what he preached.

“Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.” Matthew 7:15/ Photo Credit: Riley Alexander Leacox

The moment in the kitchen that had been my biggest regret in life had become my greatest moment of salvation. God delivered me from entering a damaging relationship like the one I’d had with my ex-husband.

God, knowing the heart of the guy and knowing the future, had protected me like a Father protects his daughter. That day with the email, I heard God say to me, “I knew it would hurt you when I took him away from you; but I knew it would hurt you even more if I gave him to you.”

God saved me.

Sometimes, when it’s a “no”, it’s really just a “not yet.” But other times when it’s a “no,” it’s because it’s really an “it’s not good for you.” This is why Job 37:5 says, “He does great things beyond our understanding.” This is why we are called to praise God and find joy even when things don’t work out the way we want them to; because they are working out the way HE wants them to. Never forget that God is omniscient: He knows all. Therefore, He knows what you don’t about the person you’re dating. And if God says “no,” it’s for your protection not your pain.

I praise God to this day that He intervened in the kitchen that night. That I never got a second date. That He came roaring on scene to save me from emotional and relational captivity. Thank you, Lord!

Has God ever revealed to you how He saved you from dating someone that was no good for you?

7 thoughts on “Beyond my Understanding

    1. The “Why God?” was more in relation to what was the purpose of it? I didn’t want to miss His lesson, I just hadn’t learned it yet. Thank you for reading, AC! I enjoy hearing your thoughts and feedback!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. This was such a blessing to read. I almost got engaged to the seemingly ideal man, until one day he left me without giving reasons. He stuck around our church, which was painful, but I now get why God allowed it…I saw the many reasons when he never gave me closure. God’s protection is so great, even when it hurts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Michelle, thank you so much for reading Beyond my Understanding. I’m beyond thrilled to hear your testimony! You are living proof that God protects His children from harm. Not getting what we want stops hurting when we start seeking God’s will first (Matthew 6:33). Took me a long time to learn that, but I’m sure you know it now too. Thank you so much for commenting. You have no idea what God did through your voice.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Praise Jesus! He is so good. I’m so happy He brought you healing. And out of this, He brought me you!! What a perfect God we serve who knows exactly what we need exactly when we need it. There truly is a purpose for everything, even and especially the painful things.

    Liked by 1 person

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